Mircette month one epilogue

Okay, so I was never expecting a 2-day period. And I didn't get one, either. No, mine was four days long. I've heard that such things exist, but I believed in them about as much as I believe in a pleasant Walmart shopping experience. Consider me converted. (On the period thing, of course, not the Walmart thing.)

Also, I didn't have any of the clotting and other chunkiness I normally associate with periods. Extra bonus: Sex (which I didn't dare attempt until last night...I don't mean to imply that this period's been a walk in the park) didn't hurt as much as it usually does.

In short, this period has been 1) very heavy and 2) accompanied by moderate to severe pain, but 3) shorter, 4) easier, and 5) less onerous than my usual.

Unless something untoward comes up in the next month or so, I'm sold on this pill.

All I want for Christmas is...

Santa brought me a period! How thoughtful of him. I started Christmas Eve, around 6 p.m. Was up until 4 a.m. with the pain. Dragged meself out of bed at 9 to spend Christmas with the fam. Twas a 4-pad day, with Lyrica + Darvocet pain. (Had a good Christmas despite all that.) Today was roughly a 3-pad day, with Lyrica + whining (Mom wanted to go shopping, so Darvocet was not in the cards.) In short, the Mircette doesn't appear to make the periods any lighter, or lessen the pain.

But I can deal with that. What I'm concerned with is controlling the between-period pain, and keeping the periods to a single week. I'll let you know how that works out.

Mircette, month one

I can't tell you how my periods are on Mircette, 'cause I haven't started yet. I was supposed to start Sunday (and be done today...yeah, right). However, I haven't completely ruled it out yet...I'm in a moderate (no pill, some heating pad) amount of pain, and have that jelly feeling in my thighs that usually means it's coming.

However, everything else seems to be going well. I was a bit moody over the weekend, but it wasn't the crushing depression I'm used to. And I still bloated, but I've actually had days where I felt I looked thin -- it's been so long since I've felt thin! Plus, according to the scale, the bloating's only been in the 3- to 5-lb range, not the 10-15 I'm used to. No real breakouts to speak of. What mid-month pain I had was bearable...more a stiffness in my lower back than actual pain.

So if the period goes well, I'm sold. I know they say it takes 3 months to adjust, but honestly, I typically know how the side effects are going to go within the first month. So far, so good.

Exhaustion

I've read that endometriosis is often paired with exhaustion, but never realized until today how much so. After work, I took (rather involuntarily) one of my patented 3.5-hour naps. Granted, I was up late last night -- but not that late. Work was hectic -- but not that hectic. And I've not had any pain pills; there's been pain, but not that bad. (Yet.)

In other words, there was no reason for me to have been that tired, but I was. And still am. Luckily, my lack of a personal life leaves me time for such luxuries as evening naps. And my exhaustion level's high enough that it most likely won't even affect my sleep tonight.

However, I don't plan on allowing this to continue. I might have a life someday. So I need to get off my butt and make some lifestyle changes here.

I'm almost through with my month-long ban on pizza and fast food; it's gone better than I expected. But as I was doing dishes tonight, I realized that I do need to make other changes to my eating habits. Lately, I've been too tired to cook and clean, and have thus been eating party mix for dinner most every night. (I'm bad about using the holidays as an excuse to eat horribly.) The dishes from the last batch sat in the sink for two days; seeing what buttery dishes look like after that amount of time made me realize that cutting out pizza and fast food isn't enough -- I need to revise my snacking, and start eating meals again. Until I do, I can't really make any judgment calls on the effectiveness of eliminating crap from my diet, as I just replaced one flavor with another.

I'm also finding that, while I still do like black tea, I prefer green tea. Plus, I think my dependence on caffeine is gone. So I'm going to switch to decaf green tea in the mornings. Hopefully that'll help some of the symptoms. Might even help with the exhaustion.

Doctor's appointment

Had my doctor's appointment today. Told them I was having severe pain and excessive bleeding. They took my blood pressure (which was good...110/something), then told me to take my pants off and cover up with a paper towel (okay, drape...basically just a huge paper towel).

I thought this was going to be a clothes-on visit. Yikes.

Well, it wasn't as bad as I feared. No speculum, at any rate. He poked around in there, feeling for masses, and didn't find any. So they did a vaginal ultrasound. It had a condom on it! I managed to control myself (I am quite medicated at the moment) and didn't laugh out loud...but I wanted to.

The ultrasound was actually very interesting. I'd never seen my uterus before. It looks exactly like the illustrations in Endometriosis for Dummies. Kind of like a really thick pancake folded in half. I didn't see my ovaries, but the ultrasound technician assured me they were there. (She had to hunt for them, though...the only really uncomfortable part of the procedure.) The verdict: Everything is healthy. I may have little blobbies, but nothing big enough to show on the ultrasound.

Whew.

I also asked if I should be worried about my fertility. (A little late for that -- I have been worried about it. Massively so.) He said that, from what he could see, I have nothing to worry about. Whew again.

So, treatment. We're trying a new BC pill -- Mircette. I'll have to read up on it. I'm in the middle of a Yaz pack now, so I won't start the Mircette for a couple of weeks. I will, of course, report back.

As far as the pain goes, the general consensus is that I must have blobbies on a nerve. Yay. I'm going to start taking more Lyrica; he says that since it's for chronic pain, I should be okay taking it more often than I normally do (one or two days a month). If that doesn't help...well, then we're up to the dope. I'm hoping it doesn't get to that point.

I also asked him about the Aleve, and he said that if taking it one day before my period doesn't help, then it's not going to help. Bummer.

One benefit from all this: Since the Lyrica puts a medication wall between me and the world, I'm not as stressed as I was before. Of course, this comes at the price of concentration, coordination, and sometimes consciousness (took a completely unintentional 4.5-hour nap after work yesterday), but hey.

Addendum to long-ass post

I've made a doctor's appointment for next week. Tuesday (a mere two days after I stopped bleeding), the pain flared up. Bad enough to wake me from a sound sleep. And my stomach's all poofy again. (Well, duh.) Plus migraines. Sore breasts. Crying at the drop of a hat. Generally hating life. Mom says she didn't start having wonky periods like this until she was in her 40s.

So, I'm going. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Had a revelation today. I've been noticing that in recent pictures of me wearing makeup, my face looks a lot darker than the rest of me. At first I thought it's because my freckles are (finally!) starting to fade -- they're the reason I started wearing darker makeup in the first place. Well, today I realized that it's probably more that the rest of me is paler...'cause, you know, I've been bleeding for two for months now. ::forehead smack::

I should start thinking of myself as a friend. Because if this were happening to a friend, I'd have pestered her to go to the doctor months ago. I guess it's just harder to see when it's you.

Monthly update and new resources

First, I did indeed start. A few days late, but I made up for the lost time. I'm on day 7 now; I was winding down, but some long-overdue together time with my darling boyfriend seems to have knocked some stuff loose. (Had to wash underwear *and* sheets this time...I really thought I was done!) So...dribbling, stabby pains in my lower back, hips, and lower abdomen -- the usual.

Sure am getting tired of all this.

On the plus side, I've found a new book to consult: Endometriosis for Dummies. I can't say it gave me much new information, but it has given me things to think about. Like the possible connection of endometriosis and allergies -- I've kicked the idea around a time or three, but it's nice to see someone confirm it: My immune system just bails on me, in all areas. I also found that many symptoms I thought unrelated might in fact be the endo; an example is the way my stomach swells up after I eat, no matter what I eat or the quantities. (I mean *swells* -- makes me look preggers sometimes. Especially now that my stomach's swollen much of the time anyway. I'm underweight, yet have a pot belly. A rock-hard pot belly. How sexy.)

Not much new info in terms of treatment options, sadly. One thing I am going to try is Menastil. It's a roll-on pain reliever that's supposed to work especially well on cramps. Every little bit helps, right? They also have an amusing (and slightly disturbing) video on their site about endometriosis: http://www.menastil.com/shop/menastil-product-info.htm -- click the "Endometriosis" tab.

Other than that (and a few alternative treatments, like acupuncture, that I've not completely ruled out), they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, or convince me to change my mind about those options. Birth control pills work kinda-sorta. My periods are bad on them and downright scary off them. I think I'll steer clear of the other hormone treatments unless I become crippled...the cure sounds worse than the disease, imo.

Surgery relieved my symptoms for a whopping three months. I'm not eager to go under the knife again, for a laparoscopy or anything else.

So help me, I'm never taking another antidepressant as long as I live. Not that I'm saying they don't help anyone -- they seem to work wonders for some people. They make me crazy. Another cure that's worse than the disease. And hey -- I might not be so depressed if I didn't hurt all the time.

Exercise. Yeah...gotta get back into that. ::hangs head:: Especially the yoga and tai chi -- mentioned specifically in the book, btw. Something gentle, something that does not make stabby pains take up residence in my back and thighs. Work my way up to regular vigorous exercise, maybe. Or not. I'm not trying to run marathons here; I'm just trying to live with as little pain as I can manage.

Next up is diet. I dunno. I'm already a vegetarian (lacto-ovo, though more lacto and less ovo as my stomach ages), and 90% of the dairy I eat is skim or low-fat, so I really don't think that part of the recommended diet applies to me. But they still want me to cut out wheat. I'll be honest with you -- I'd rather go without chocolate for the rest of my life than cut out wheat. I love me some grains. They make food worthwhile. Besides, I'm already a vegetarian -- do you know how much of a pain in the butt it would be to feed me if I gave up wheat? I already have people telling me to just pick the meat out of stuff. (*You* try picking bacon bits out of mashed potatoes, and see if you ever want to eat with the person who served them to you -- or anyone else equally sympathetic -- ever again.) Now these people want me to say "oh, it's not just meat anymore...I don't eat any wheat products, either." Know what I'd get for dinner? A carrot stick and a glass of water. And I detest raw carrots.

Which leaves me with pain pills. I suppose I should give the Aleve another shot, and maybe ask my doctor about higher dosages. (As I said before, I'm underweight -- which is apparently another risk factor for endo -- so I don't want to just start increasing my dosage willy-nilly.) Honestly, though, I don't really see that it helped that much. But maybe the name of the game now is pain management, not pain alleviation.

Is it any wonder I'm depressed? Seriously.

BUT! The book did give me a little hope (outside of the possibility that pregnancy might help...I'm not exactly in a position to get preggers right now). As endometriosis gets worse, the pain subsides. (Or so they say.) Stages I and II apparently hurt like a bitch, but stages III and IV (where the lesions have burned themselves out, so to speak) don't hurt as much. Mind you, the later stages are where the organ-altering uck comes in -- adhesions, infertility, all that good stuff. But it's the little blobbies that cause the pain. So the moral I'm taking from that is what does not kill me might eventually hurt less.

I'll take my bright spots where I can get them, thank you very much.

I finally hit the tipping point

I did not start early this time. In fact, I've not started yet at all, and that was supposed to happen somewhere in the neighborhood of Wednesday. Maybe I finally ran out of blood.

My stress level has gone down slightly, as I've wrapped up several major projects at work. That, too, could have something to do with it. Though I'm guessing it's got more to do with my body just running out of steam.

Sure wish I'd start, though. I'm tired of cramping.

I've been doing this half my life

I don't know why it seems to always come as a surprise. Last night, after my shower, I noticed that my left breast looked larger than the right one. Today, I started having twinges of pain in it. Plus a vice-like pain in my pelvis. Towards the end of the day, I developed a migraine; a nap did not take care of it. I've also been very drained and, when I'm hungry at all, want only salty and sweet things.

Checked the pill pack: I'm two weeks out from P-day. Der.

The bad thing is that, until recently, I started this stuff a week out. Now I get double the fun. Lucky me.

Cramps can't hit a moving target

I think today confirms that exercise helps. (I'm sure the Aleve and Lyrica played their part, but still.) Woke up today cramping so bad, it drove me to tears. From my waist to my knees, I was a solid block of pain. Took an Aleve and a Lyrica and headed to the kitchen.

This would be a good time to mention that I'm experimenting with OAMC -- once a month cooking. The basic idea is that you pick a few recipes (it helps if they have similar ingredients), and set aside a day to cook them all and freeze them for later. As I'm single, I'm going one step further and freezing them in individual servings. Cheaper and better for me than frozen dinners, and just as fast on weeknights.

So I spent all day today on my feet -- chopping vegetables, stirring soup and stew, making pie crust, shaping pot pie, making pizza from scratch. Probably spent a good 8 hours on my feet. And the only time I really hurt was when I sat down.

Food for thought.

Aleve update

I think the Aleve actually did something. I ended up taking one pill, last Friday night (I started that day), but was well enough to work out Saturday and Sunday (and, well, every night this past week). The flow took its sweet time leaving (I didn't stop bleeding until yesterday, which puts the period at 8 days), and I had intermittent pain until then as well, but that may be because I stopped taking the Aleve Sunday. I don't want to ruin my liver.

Got a sore spot in my left breast; not Evil Lump, though. Probably a spot of fibro thickening. Not sure why it's so angry, but boy, it is. Just thought I'd mention it.

I'm contemplating toying with my diet to see if that helps. Starting small and easy, of course. Maybe a month without fast food and pizza...I could do that fairly easily. Then a month without chocolate. A month without caffeine. Then a month without salty snacks. (That one's going to be the worst, I know.) Maybe work my way up to a month without dairy or a month without wheat.

Or maybe that's all just crazy talk. But then I never thought I'd give up coffee.

Aleve experiment

So I've faithfully taken the Aleve every 12 hours for the past two weeks. I'm supposed to start...any day now, really. (I had a period last week, but this week's the real thing.) So far, so good, I guess -- I've had to take the heating pad to work for the past two days, but I've not had to take a pill. However, I'm not declaring it a success until I see how the period itself goes. I'll let you know how that works out.

The pain is weird this time. When I was younger, I did something incredibly stupid, particularly for someone as uncoordinated as myself: I did a high-kick while wearing roller skates. Fell straight on my tailbone. I didn't break it, but I bruised the snot out of it. That's what my back feels like right now. And about where the pain is, too. Seems such an odd place to cramp, but I never said I was normal.

I've also been really nauseated. (Don't give me that look. If I were pregnant, I'd know.) All I've eaten for the past few days is cottage cheese and toast. Food just doesn't sound good. I know that's somehow tied to the endo, but couldn't begin to explain it.

Stress...lots of stress

I had my first massage Friday -- a shiatsu massage, which I'd read helps the endo. So far I don't see a difference, though my upper spine does feel a little looser. (Still sore, but looser.) I decided that next time (when I can afford a next time), I'm going in for something more relaxing.

Seeing as I've started spotting again, I think a little relaxation is in order.

It's amazing what stress will do to you. I can understand it interfering with sleeping and eating, but how it turns the flow on and off like a faucet dumbfounds me. Years ago, when we visited my hometown quite frequently, I could count on not starting my period until we came home...sometimes within the hour after we came home, in fact. Even if I was supposed to start while we were gone. Even if I was late.

Now, it seems like my body's reaction to any amount of stress is to open the floodgates. How do you deal with that? My life's just going to be stressful for a while...nothing I can do about that.

The wonders of sex

I did, in fact, start my "real" period -- in the middle of my "fake" period. It's very odd to start while you're already bleeding; basically what happens is the cramps get much, much worse and the flow picks up. This weekend was okay for the most part...until this morning.

Nothing like waking up to excruciating pain, flowing so heavily it feels like you're wetting yourself. Happy Sunday! My darling boyfriend gave me a backrub -- unsolicited, but much appreciated. However, my body was so wound up that even the skin on my back was sensitive; he worked a few knots out, but it was more painful than soothing.

Then we had sex. Honestly, I think that helped more than the backrub. Knocked some things loose, so to speak. It was painful during, for the most part, but afterward the cramps pretty much went away. The flow picked up to scary levels for a few hours, but now I think it's dying down. (I haven't had to change my pad for several hours...always a good thing.)

So, more than anything else I've tried so far, I recommend sex if you can get it. It's a good way to hurry things along. And if you've got to suffer, isn't it better to suffer for as short a period of time as possible?

My feet are pale

My feet are never pale; they're usually bright red, especially on days as hot as this. During lunch, it was like someone pulled the cork. It's a bit unsettling to see that much blood. Makes you wonder if you should go back to work or straight to the emergency room.

I have to admit my willpower is quite low at the moment. I stopped by the grocery store and stocked up on all kinds of junk -- chips and dip, Oreos, mac and cheese, Triscuits. So I can't use this month as an example of anything. Next month, though, I'm going to make a concerted effort to control my diet and take prophylactic Aleve. And report back, of course. In fact, I'm going to write myself a reminder right now.

Encores

My body loves 'em. After the first day of this week's "period," things tapered off to a dribble. Fine, I thought. Well, this morning, I started again. Woke up cramping, and found that the Period Fairy left me a present in my underwear (which were, of course, one of the two white pairs I own and not one of the numerous black pairs -- like what I really wanted to do this morning was laundry!).

Bet you anything I start again next week. And have a full period.

So the Pill makes you regular, huh?

I started today. Two weeks early. Which kind of negates my food theory in the last post, as the symptoms were right on time based on a start date of today.

I'm kind of at a loss here. I mean, if I'm taking a steady level of hormones, why does my body not react accordingly? Why do I have early periods, late periods, and no periods? That shouldn't be possible, right?

I suppose I can understand the late periods. My natural cycle is (or at least was...it's been many moons since I had a natural cycle) closer to 34 days than 28. So maybe my body is hitting the snooze button when I'm late. I am a snooze kinda girl, after all, and have been a procrastinator since birth (for which I was also late).

But the early periods...those I just don't get. As heavy as my flow is, I can't believe that it's just the excess forcing its way out ahead of schedule. Is there some sort of physical or emotional trigger? I've been under a fair amount of stress lately. If so, how does that work, exactly? Is there a way to control it? (The reaction, not the stress...for the time being, at least, the stress is a given.)

It's my body. I want to understand it.

Food matters

I thought diet (by which I mean junk food binges) only mattered the week before my period. However, I'm only in week 2 of my cycle, and I'm feeling the effects of the chips and sugar I've been indulging myself with. I'm bloated, my breasts are tender, and I'm generally sluggish and grumpy.

Good to know...I'm up for anything I can control.

Sunday

And I have still not started. The pain's there. Just nothing coming out. I was supposed to start somewhere around Wednesday. (I'm hardly regular, even on the pill.)

No, I'm not pregnant. I checked.

Twice.

While it may be cheaper to buy those tests in multi-packs, I think they do more mental harm than good for people such as myself. "What if I did it wrong? Maybe I should do it again. But how do I know I did this one right? Should I go buy another box?" I could blow my whole paycheck on pregnancy tests with very little provocation.

Today is Father's Day. All I'm up to doing is laying on the heating pad with my legs propped up, but I'd feel bad if I did that. So I'm going to go get cleaned up, pop a pain pill, and see what Dad wants to do today.

Month-end update

(Mine, anyway.)

Well, I forgot the Advil trick, so I can't report on that this month. And of the supplements I was going to pick up, I only got B6 (50 mg instead of 100 mg...B vitamins tend to do bad things to me). I forget what it was supposed to do. Give me more energy, maybe. If so, it's working...either that, or I've turned manic depressive and am having an upswing.

Doubt it. Let's attribute it to the vitamins.

The pain, the bloating, the headache...all have arrived on time. Sunday morning, the pain infiltrated my dreams; I was in high school again, only with my coworkers for classmates, and I desperately needed my heating pad (which was, for some reason, clear across the building), but class was going to start. However, getting my heating pad (and making it back to class undetected -- go me) did not help the pain, so I woke up and got the real thing.

I have a burn on my back from the stupid thing. Looks like a tie-dyed tan.

All hips...and not in that sexy way

I finally (finally!) stopped dripping, but the pain hasn't faded. Saturday's pain I'm blaming on the 6-hour shopping trip (Mom says spending that long on her feet always made her back hurt), but I don't know why my hips are hurting today. Unless it's from sleeping so long last night...my darling boyfriend was over, and sleeping is more fun when he's in bed with me, so I slept 10 hours as opposed to my usual 7. Even after a half-hour backrub, I'm still moving like an old woman, clutching at my hip.

I've got a list of supplements (with amounts, for once) that I got somewhere on teh intarwebs (I forget where). At this point, I'm game for just about anything, so I'm going to stock up on the recommended dosages and take them for a month or two, then report back.

Oh, now, this just isn't fair

Just as things were starting to wind down with this month's cycle, I started back up again. Back pain: check. Shooting pains down my legs: check. Migraine: check. (And, well, my first day of freedom from the Always was cut rudely short.)

Ah, well...I need to catch up on my editing anyway.

Yeah, pain

Pain that the Lyrica plus a heating pad can't really touch. It reaches from my lower back to my ankles -- my feet even got into the mix earlier. And I have a migraine to top it all off.

I did learn something today: Lumbar pillows help, particularly while driving. Especially while driving for an hour, which is what I did this evening. One way. I just need a better pillow; I'm using a herbal heating pack at the moment (unheated). It's the right shape and size, but a bit hard. One of those smooshy pillows would do the trick. Looked at Hel-Mart for them (Mom's idea to go there, and she quickly remembered why we don't), but of course with the Friday night crowd we couldn't find a thing. I'll try Target tomorrow.

Happily, the bloating is at a low ebb this time. Dunno if it's my diet (been focusing more on healthy foods and juice and less on pizza) or if I just got lucky this month. I suppose I ought to keep track of these things.

Aleve experiment: fail?

I read somewhere (I forget where) that the proper way to take Aleve for cramps is to start taking it a week ahead of time, and take it continually for two weeks. Well, despite my surprise start last week, I tried this...problem is that, given this week's allergy stuff, I may have forgotten a pill or two. Either way, I'm in spine-crunching pain right now. :P So either it didn't work/I started too late (because of the early start), or I did it wrong. I'll have to try again next month and see if it works any better.

On the up side, my bruise is gone, and it took the lump with it! (Well, most of it anyway -- I still have a small hard spot where it was.)

Still bruised

The area where I had the lump aspirated is still sporting a knot and a lime-green bruise. I know I bruise easily, and that my bruises hang on for-bloody-ever, but I'm ready for this one to go away now.

Am I being punished?

Started my period today -- a week early. And I'm currently slogging through my third cold of the year. A friend of mine says I've been pushing myself too hard, and that's why all of this has been happening. Maybe he's right. But I don't know what I'm going to do about it.

This month I was going to test-drive the "proper" way to take Aleve -- starting it a week before the period, and taking it continually until the normal cramping period has passed. Well, I didn't get a chance to take it before (I actually went out today and bought Aleve with the intent of starting the premedication today). But because of my cold, I have been taking Advil pretty steadily for the past 24 hours. So I'm going to take my first Aleve in about 10 minutes and see if I can play catch-up.

I sure hope it works. I'm miserable enough just with this cold.

Water-logged

I weighed myself earlier, and found I'm about 2 lbs above normal -- and about 4 or so over what I think I really weigh. As I stepped out of the shower, I had my suspicions confirmed: I have grooves where my clothes were. The bra and undie marks could be me getting bigger, but I'd have to gain a lot more weight than this for my socks to be too tight; I have no calves to speak of.

Typically when they talk about bloating, it's premenstrual. Mine is veering more and more to the pre- through postmenstrual. Possibly a change in diet would help this. But I do so love salty, crunchy foods. And low-sodium V-8 tastes like ass.

New back pain

Still bruised, though almost back to normal. I can't tell if any of the lump remains, because I've been reluctant to touch it -- both because I'm sure it will hurt and because I seem to recall a nurse once telling me that if I touch it too much after the aspiration, it will come back. The logic seems to be a bit off on that one, but I am not about to try to prove her wrong.

Now that we've got that out of the way...some actual endo news. Today, in the middle of a 2.5-hour meeting (inhumane), my back started aching terribly. I was convinced my period had restarted itself...and of course I was not wearing black pants. Happily, I was wrong -- all pain, no blood. As far as I can figure, it was from all that inactivity. So I'm going to make a point of moving around once an hour or so. Just shifting position or stretching is not enough.

And one of these days, I'll get back into yoga. Current excuse: I have two couches in my living room, which leaves no room for savasana.

Bumpy roads suck

Got the lump drained today. It's still extremely sore, though Dr. tells me it will feel better tomorrow. I believe him...I just wish tomorrow would hurry up. It feels like my breast has been slammed in a door. While the lump is gone, I'm still swollen enough that I have to keep that bra strap loosened a bit. Drove home trying to discreetly hold my breast. Then gave up on discretion. Now I'm thinking I will lay down for a while, maybe see if an ice pack will make it feel better.

I know that, when I finally grace my mother with a grandchild, she would like for it to be a girl. So she can dress the baby in cute clothes. I'm thinking it might be more humane to have a boy...the genetic yuckness I have to pass down to a boy won't show up until he's in his 50s.

EDIT: Ice does not make it feel better. Ice makes it feel worse. Maybe Advil will help.

I am a whiner

I thought I'd had breast pain before. I was mistaken. By my rough estimations, this lump is 3 inches across. The breast it's in isn't really big enough for such an invader.

I cannot wait until my doctor's appointment. By this time tomorrow, I will hopefully feel human again.

"No point in ruining your life"

Everything I've read on endometriosis recommends dietary changes to control the disease. Most of it is contradictory, and what isn't is depressing. No dairy. No wheat. No alcohol. For a lacto-ovo vegetarian who loves bread, cheese, and beer, this is the diet from hell. And don't even get me started on the rest of it -- can I eat sunflower seeds or not? Is the fact that soy has estrogen in it good or bad? Supplements: what works? Nobody seems to agree, which leads me to believe they honestly don't know. Hey, I'm ok with you not knowing. Just tell me you don't know. Don't tell me to cut out all the foods I love, then take it back 20 years from now.

Every time I go in for a mammogram, they tell me to cut out caffeine and take vitamin E. Honestly, I think all vitamin E does for me is make me bruise if I so much as look at the corner of a table. And I think the caffeine thing's a load of crap. From my college days up until about four years ago, I drank on average two pots of coffee a day. Even when I was sick. If I got out of bed, I drank coffee. Apropos of nothing (except maybe that the coffee at work tastes like charred feces), I switched to tea. Then green tea. Now I drink on average two cups of green tea a day. I've read that green tea has about a quarter of the caffeine of coffee. Do the math. So I've made this drastic reduction in caffeine consumption, and I've had more lumps in the past four years than I have since I got breasts. My mother completely decaffeinated for a year (not so much as a chocolate chip!), and her doctor told her it did no good -- that if she missed her coffee, she could have it. Again, I think they just don't know.

I brought all this up with my doctor last year during my annual exam (well, not the caffeine/vitamin E thing, as I know they're all convinced of this). Honestly, I was hoping he could sort out the sunflower seed question, as I adore them. He told me he felt we could control this with medicine, and that there was no reason for me to "ruin my life" with this diet. I trust him, so I'm going to try his way a bit longer. (Though I still take E and evening primrose oil, just in case.)

Refraining from the obvious U2 reference

That prediction about Lamaze breathing in the fetal position came true today. It royally pisses me off that I have to waste a perfectly beautiful afternoon doubled over in pain. Though in a way, I welcome the anger. For too long my emotions have run to the helpless resignation and self-pity end of the spectrum. At least I can do something with anger.

I also requested a doctor's appointment. (I do so love the internets.) Hopefully they'll have an opening soon. I am so ready to have this thing drained.

Yuckness

Today wasn't *so* bad. I've had worse. But I get the feeling things are just getting started. I had some bad moments today -- pain that made me want to fall to my knees, and some severe lightheadedness, but I soldiered on. Though I've been spotting for the past two weeks, today's mess has still been just old blood. And lots of clotting (probably the source of the pain). It's only been a two-pad day, though, so tomorrow will probably be worse.

Actually, that would be preferable. Get the junk over before Monday.

Life thief

Today is a prime example of why I want to get the endo under control. It's a red-letter day for me -- my new couch, the first piece of real furniture I've ever purchased and something I've been saving for nearly a decade to buy -- is being delivered. It's an absolutely gorgeous day, which in this part of the country is a rare event, indeed. This afternoon, my mother and I are supposed to go to a bead show (though I have no money to buy anything, she will most likely buy beads so I can make her something, which is just as fun). And I'm unsure if I will be able to do anything but lay on my new couch in the fetal position, attempting Lamaze breathing and wishing the weekend were over.

Every month, I go through this. Have to plan around it. This disorder is stealing my life.

Evil Lump

Current mood:


This is about what I look like right now, too. Only my hair is dark. And curly. And I have much less facial hair. It's pouring down rain today. As usual, I had no umbrella or raincoat. So I decided to run to my car. The Evil Lump did not approve. (Yes, I know...second post in my so-called endometriosis blog, and I'm talking about FBD instead. I'll do better next time.)

Evil Lump is not a new lump. It's a reinflated lump. It's also the only lump I've ever named. It's earned it.

One morning two years ago, I woke up with a sharp pain in my left breast. Upon exploration, I discovered a rock-hard lump the size of a golf ball. A lump that had not been there when I went to bed the night before. I've had lumps since I was 19...they're usually nothing. But none of them were ever hard, or hurt that bad. It was only 4 in the morning, but I'd gotten all the sleep I was getting that night.

I spent all day and much of the next pondering my options. My initial reaction to really scary stuff is to ignore it and hope it goes away, but it's kind of hard to ignore a rock in your boob that produces hot-poker pain every time you move. So I finally told my mother. She, of course, told me to call the doctor. And then told me to call back when the earliest appointment I could get was two weeks away.

Yes, I was in pain. Yes, I was worried. But deep down, I didn't expect anything more than an aspiration (which I absolutely hate...I'd rather have dental work) and a pat on the head. What I did not expect was for the doctor to look at the fluid he was draining out of my breast and say "oh." That one syllable was enough to wipe away my piddly little complaints about getting stuck with a needle. Doctors don't say "oh" to me. They pat me on the head and tell me not to worry. At least, that's what they did when I was in my 20s. The rules apparently have changed. Instead of my head pat, I got an appointment for a mammogram. The earliest appointment they had was in two weeks.

No more was I worried. Terrified is a more apt description. Being a planner, I took myself through diagnosis, treatment, and death, wanting to prepare for the worst. I finished my living will, wrote out my wishes for my funeral (not that my mother will follow them, but at least I'll have my say), got together all my important documents, told people I loved them. For two weeks I immersed myself in the concept of my own death. And I realized that there wasn't much about my life I'd miss. I knew a few people would miss me, and I would miss them. But overall, I wasn't crushed at the concept of dying. I was just disappointed that I would now have no time to change that. I understand now what people mean when they speak of a humbling experience.

Of course, it wasn't cancer. I felt incredibly silly, as well as relieved, when the doctor gave me the results. (It also wasn't one lump -- it was one on top of another. I think of it as one lump still because that's what it felt like.) I'd spent two weeks convinced I was dying, and it was just another lump. But it wasn't just another lump. It was the kick in the ass I needed to change my life -- to make it a life I would feel bad about leaving. I've spent the past two years doing just that.

The Evil Lump refilled much more slowly this time. According to my journal, it showed up around March 2, and at first was squishy and the size of a thick Nilla Wafer -- like maybe two back to back. Now it's the size of a golf ball again (I guess the bottom lump filled up), hard, and extremely painful. But it is that time of the month, so I'm chalking the recent growth and tenderness to my body's protest against estrogen. If it's still there next week, though, I'll call the doctor.

And in the meantime, I'm going to go tell people I love them.

EDIT: My darling boyfriend has made me promise I will call the doctor next week no matter what. Apparently from some angles the lump is visible from the outside. What a repulsive thought. From my vantage point, that breast is noticeably bigger than the other one...not surprising, since they're not that big to begin with. So...sometime within the next week, I get to have yet another aspiration. Here's hoping it won't lead to the mammogram/sonogram mess. (I have issues with mammograms, but that's a story for another day.)

Pain pants

WARNING: This blog is about endometriosis and other yucky girl things. If such subjects turn your stomach, you might want to go look at cute kitties.

Still with me? Good. This is my first public blog, and I'm a bit nervous...go easy on me.

A little backstory on the blog: I've been reading all these articles about the importance of blogging and social networking (usually on other people's blogs), but never felt I had anything to blog about. I mean, sure, I have my personal blogs, shared with friends, but a blog open to the world? What do I have to say that anyone would care about?

Today, I was reading Penelope Trunk's blog about, well, blogging, and she said something that flipped the switch in my mind: "pick a topic you have a lot to say about." I could talk about what I do (copyediting) or what I enjoy (video games, crafts, reading), but quite frankly, I'd rather do those things than talk about them.

However, I do have a lot to say about endometriosis. I've been blogging about it for years, both in my LiveJournal and on 43 Things. I've done what feels like an insane amount of research. My doctor and I have been trying different treatments for years. And I realized that there are probably women (and men!) out there who would be interested in what I'm learning. However, my LiveJournal is only open to my three closest friends (all guys...guys who will probably be grateful that I've moved the yucky posts elsewhere), and it's going to stay that way. My 43t entries are only seen by a select few (though if you're interested, go here). So...here I am.

A little backstory about me: I'm 33, divorced, childless, and was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 28 -- though I suspect I've had it since I started having periods (14). I also have fibrocystic breast disease, which does not help one bit. My mother had both of these conditions; her mother did not.

A laparoscopy (aforementioned diagnosis) revealed I had minor lesions ("chocolate cysts," my doctor called them), though quite a bit of scarring. He burned them off, and I got three months of "normal" periods before all hell broke loose again. (Note to "normal" women: Those aren't cramps. That is not a heavy flow. Buck up.) I could have another surgery to clean up the new globbies, but I don't feel a mere three months is worth the risk and expense.

My typical symptoms include severe cramps and back pain that can (and frequently do) reach from my waist to my ankles. Hence the blog name. For added fun, the pain is usually accompanied by migraines, severe (read: borderline suicidal) mood swings, and of course the zits and bloating you hear women bitch about.

I've been on a merry-go-round of birth control pill regimens in the past two years. I've been on Yaz since January, and it seems to be working reasonably well....mind you, my definition of "reasonably well" has been drastically altered. I'm also test-driving some of the dietary advice I've read, though I'm probably not devoted enough for it to do any good. More about all that later.

That should be enough to get us started, I think.